:(

having a rough time. 

today is one of the hard days. 

the days where i put my girl to the breast and keep trying to gently coax her back and she flat out refuses. she no longer nurses a little at night, she will refuse even in sleep. 

she refuses even when i use the nipple shields. 

im struggling to keep my head at rational thinking. 

its not the method its the milk. 

but lets be real. breastfeeding has lots of benefits when shared at the breast. the temperature is right, the hormones are aflowing, and the baby can see into your soul :)

i was watching a tv show today and saw 2 women breastfeeding easily. in their sleep even, and i was overcome with sadness and jealousy :(

i miss her at the breast. i feel like we never stood a fighting chance and i want it back. times a wasting for her. she is three months old and as she gets older it will only be harder. 

its as if she forgot where milk comes from. 

sigh. 

in other news, my deep freezer stopped deep freezing and due to lack of space in my freezer, i happily gave away 120 oz of frozen milk for other mommies to use. 

im a healthy girl and the milk is going to good use. 

its a personal decision that i find to be somewhat therapeutic. 

i was incredibly happy to find that it has helped one baby already. 

i gave 90 oz to a woman with a baby who was getting about 1oz too little per nursing session, about 7-9 oz too few per day and was supplementing with formula for a couple days until my milk was picked up. she had reported to me that the baby had not had a bowel movement in 18 days. 

within 24 hours of supplementing with my milk, the baby passed a bowel movement. 

i was SO happy to hear! what great relief for the baby and her mummy and for me too, that my sadness has helped another. while my baby is not at the breast and im sad for it, my milk has provided nourishment for another child as well as my own!

anyhow. 

just an update. ive been studying and ill be registering for summer term next week. things are crazy here. we might be moving, husband may lose his job all while i have a couple years left before a possible career. im nervous and scared, but we have faith. 

its all only temporary. 

thank goodness breast milk is free :) if only my body produced diapers.... :)