attempting to coax baby back to breast

so ive been MIA for awhile...between school and two children and my work as a bf peer counselor ive been busy! 

but here i am, with a 10 month old daughter (11 on the 15th) and i am attempting one final time to coax he back to the breast. 

where did this crazy idea come from? well I HATE PUMPING. i pump 4-5x a day right now (used to be 7-10 and i have no idea how i functioned). i hate it. it takes away from being a parent. i am stuck on the couch. and i feel disconnected. my schedule every day is around pumping.i cant just go on a day trip without worrying about scheduling pumps. ive had to pump in the car, while driving, in bathrooms, in closets. and its not fair! so when asked when i was planning on stopping by my husband (i also have to plan intimate time around pumping blarg!) i realized i had no answer. the automatic thought is..."well why not stop at a year?" but then i think...well...i would still nurse after a year if i wasnt pumping...so why would i stop pumping and giving her my milk if i know how beneficial it is? so many people dont understand why i pump...and others do...but tell me they wouldnt blame me if i stopped. but i dont want that! sooo i figured...lets try one more time to get her back on and then make a plan. we'll worry about that all later!

im hoping enough time has passed to overcome any mental aversion she had, and for any sucking problem to have corrected. the reflux is a non issue now, and so maybe the stars have aligned. our big problem right up front is odds. i can find VERY little information here on teaching an older baby to nurse or coaxing them back to breast after a bottle. im kind of making it up as i go along with all ive learned and logical common breastfeeding sense. 

so here i go. 

i had to change my mindset...and some days im convincing MYSELF of the mindset because its hard. there is so little information and SO FEW people who have done it successfully. so few in fact that i have not read one single account of a mother being able to get her baby back to the breast at Narae's age. 

and then i realized this: My child isn't who she is based on a statistic...a statistic is a statistic based on who my daughter is.

so i need to find out who she is, what she prefers, what she will and wont do and go from there before i set a precendent based on her. 

so we have begun. 

now first off she does have an actual aversion to the breast for whatever reason. she for months would not allow me to place her in a nursing position. so i have finally gotten to the point where about 98% of the time i try, she will allow me to lay her in a nursing position to sleep. i have now increased that to bare skin...i remove my nursing tank flap and she lays with her head resting on my exposed breast...

and slowly i will inch her closer to the breast. she has shown no eagerness to get on, no rooting or any signs of interest. my nippe can be touching her lips...and she doesnt care. so i knew it was going to take a ton of work. 

(when this happened...i was in heaven!)

for now she gets bottle nursing, head on exposed breast and bottle feeding. i have not referred to her bottle as such, it is milk..and im hoping by that simple fact, i can share that milk is indeed coming from my breasts. she has a methodical way of things and she is very curious. when close to my breast she will bat at them, or even try to pincher grab my areola...im trying to let her be curious but im worried for my nips! :) 

i should also say...my husband worries that im setting myself up for failure...but he is supportive. its just so hard for me to see continual rejection! but im going to give it 100%. 

so now we are at the place where we are trying to switch up her bottles. we want her to be uncomfortable with a bottle...not the same old security/ she gets her milk...but we switch up the delivery. 

also important is getting her back in our arms to be fed. she has always been an on demand bottle fed baby. she tells us when she is hungry and full and she doesnt finish a whole bottle in one sitting, even in the night. she will finish a 5 oz bottle over the course of an hour or more. shes called the shots but she also, having hated nursing positions and being held, has always held her own bottle on the ground or in bed. 

so we have to get her back in arms. Milk is somethign we do while held! we must convince her...all the while making sure she opens wide for the bottle nipple and has a decent bottle latch to ensure we arent setting ourselves up for a willing baby with a shitty latch. its so much to think about.

we will do this for a couple weeks before trying any additional steps. 

a friend reminded me "dont get too antsy to offer the nipple!" and she is right. this is a very delicate thing. i might only have one shot at this. she might just turn away and get angry if i am not respectful of her. 

after a couple weeks im going to start putting on a nipple shield at each bottle nursing and offer the nipple first. if she rejects it right away i might have to get an SNS or Lact-aid system and thread the shield to get milk right away. she has been on a Slow Nipple since birth but its still faster than a breast! 

i dontknow what this will look like. its likely going to be a 5-6 week process. maybe longer. im trying to not look at statistics and numbers and forge our own path. this is our process and i cant discount it. Narae has never ceased to amaze me...maybe she will here right?