ARGH.

so much is on my plate.

im going to copy and paste what i posted on my facebook.

ive not been honest with everyone about m. and her problems with what we all just called colic.

but today we started treatment for reflux. i hate that treatments for baby illnesses are experimental because you cant isolate an illness as easily with a baby that cant communicate.

sigh.

also, LC appt today due to M refusing the breast. she is still crying during feeds, and not lasting even 10 minutes. today her intake at the LC was ounces, and that was with 30 minutes of effort. she also saw my nip, says the gash is too big and i need a doc, hopefully to start bactroban if the doc RX's it for me. and possible raynauds. the discoloration ive been dealing with is purple sometimes white, and only painful when its chilly but i didnt see enough blanching to think it was raynauds. i may have been naive. sigh. im calling tomorow to make an appt.

no thrush at all. thankfully.

but lets just say im running out of things to be wrong with our breastfeeding relationship so it HAS to look up soon right?!

so thats how today went. and im sad panda.

heres the bloggity blog:

my friends. oh my friends.im in a very hard place. im normally very guarded about anything negative, and dont release these negative vibes on such a public forum, but im defeated, and now very vulnerable.

my heart is crestfallen. im a little broken inside, as only a mothers heart can be broken.

id like to pretend that having my sweet sweet girl home is all rainbows and butterflies. its much easier than the alternative of admitting that its not been perfect. it makes me feel like a failure myself. but we've run into bumps. my girl isnt the perfect happy easy baby her brother was. she spends a large portion of her day crying, and has had quite a bit of trouble since her arrival earthside. she has some good days every so often, but for the most part, the lot of her 8 weeks here have not been without discomfort and sadness to my sweet. upon researching and taking her for her checkups we have treated this condition of crying as any new parent would: as though it were normal "colic" and she would grow out of it withinx amount of weeks or months. some things we tried have offered her comfort, but not always on a consistent basis and we have been left wondering why and feeling so sad.

today we saw a doctor who confirmed our fear that our beautiful little girl is not experiencing typical baby fussy colic, but she is in pain. with littles, its hard to identify WHERE in the body the baby feels pain.

the first thing to rule out is tummy issues, as that is the easiest to treat and the best possible scenario. in my efforts to stop her from feeling such sadness, ive been working on this for weeks. ive cut out all dairy products and products with any cows milk protein and different vegetables and foods (as she gets her nutrition from me).

these changes havent helped her, so we are trying a medication out for the next bit. it can take 2 weeks to fully take effect, and im just so so hopeful that its just a tummy issue so we dont have to put her through two more weeks of pain before we can try something else.

my poor girl.

i just cant stand it. I HATE that my baby hurts. i HATE seeing her in pain. i HATE that she doesnt get restful sleep during the day and cries until she is exhausted. i HATE that she refuses to eat. I hate that she writhes in pain in my arms. I hate that while other mommies and daddies get smiles and coos and laughter all the time, i literally try to photograph every smiling fit she has so i have photographic evidence. I hate everytime she gets weighed and has barely gained a thing. I hate shorting julian on outings and playdates or flaking on plans or cancelling last minute because of how she is feeling on a certain day. I hate daddy and i having to take shifts on who holds the crying girl. i hate that she cries for the duration of every car ride, even moreso knowing shes been in pain every time we have traveled, and i could have prevented that level of pain by just not going in the car. I hate that i DONT know whats wrong and that i CANT fix it completely.

im supposed to be able to make her BETTER. and i feel like ive totally failed for the last 8 weeks.

please think berry berry good thoughts for my girl.

please let it be a silly little tummy issue.

i want my girl to smile that pretty smile all the time.

i just love that M. Narae SO much.

youre the most beautiful girl in any room, sweets.

my Jude, you have been SO incredible. never once complaining about her crying (although your well played "can we leave maya in the car" jokes, while sad, were welcomed comedic relief), you have been SUCH a loving brother always doing everything you can to make her smile and kissing her when she is sad. its my hope you dont remember the millions of times i have scolded you for your loud voice so i can protect mayas moments of slumber throughout the day. maya is SO blessed to have you as her brother. so so blessed.

Jamie....for better or for worse...in sickness and in health....who says that applies only to ourselves. thank you for working so hard and letting me stay with our girl. thank you for being the best daddy ever. thank you for breaking sometimes, but not at the same times that i do. thanks for being pretty freakin awesome. love.you. we'd be lost without each other and our babies would be lost without us.

think your bestest thoughts friends.